There are probably as many meanings of the phrase “I love you” as there are people on the planet, but from what I have read and thought about, I believe there are some common characteristics that are present in a healthy loving relationship. There are also some common characteristics that exist in unhealthy “love” relationships.
People say I love my job, I love my sister, I love my boyfriend, I love my car, I love my dog, I love fishing, but certainly we are not describing the same feeling for each of those things. Then there are feelings described as love by those that stalk, kidnap, molest and rape. There are people that control, manipulate and drain other people and describe their feelings as love.
Another condition mistakenly thought of as “love” is co-dependency. Co-dependency is unhealthy love and a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one's relationships and quality of life. It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. (Wikipedia)
As I have scoured the internet and read various authors, mostly psychologists, I have found within myself, the way that I feel when I describe a healthy love relationship. It includes the type of feelings that some refer to as Romantic Love; I refer to it as a healthy love relationship. That is what this article is about. This type of love is sustainable, it feels good, and builds the strongest human bonds. (According to me).
There are three elements that must be included to share and experience this feeling that I describe as a healthy love. First, is the need to be cared for and be with the other person; second, is valuing the other person’s happiness as much as your own; and third, is sharing private thoughts, feelings, and desires with the other person. These feelings must be shared by each person. They absolutely must.
Did I mention that both people MUST feel this way about the other person? I don’t want to leave that part out. It takes two people, whether the relationship is boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife or other close intimate healthy loving relationship. To have a close loving relationship both people must feel this way about the other. It only takes one person NOT to have this type of relationship. If one of the people does not care for or want to be with the other person, or does not value the other persons happiness and needs as much as their own, or if either person does not share private thoughts, feelings and desires with the other person this type of “loving” relationship does not exist.
The first condition that must exist in a healthy love relationship, is the need to be cared for and be with the other person; This feeling of needing to be cared for and to be with the other person is not the same feeling as does exist in a co-dependent relationship. In a co-dependent relationship this need is excessive and results in the self-sacrificing of oneself. This self-sacrificing cannot exist in a healthy relationship because it directly contradicts and does not allow for the second condition of valuing the other person’s happiness as much as your own. Caring for the other person and wanting to be with them grows from a deep appreciation of the other person. This caring about the other person either exists, or it doesn’t. It cannot be purchased, forced or coerced.
Valuing the other person’s happiness as much as your own is a very critical and strong component of a healthy love relationship. It can also be a very difficult ingredient to acquire because it requires a level of awareness both of oneself and the perception of the needs of the other person. An example of this element of a loving relationship would be the recognition it would take for a physically abusive spouse to tell his wife that if he ever loses control again, that she is to take the kids and leave him. Another example would be a father who finds happiness from the joy of his children. The happier they are, they more happiness he feels. This element of a healthy love relationship must be felt by both people. If only person A feels this way, it can lead to abuse as person B can become selfish and can take advantage of person A for personal gain.
Third is the sharing of private thoughts, feelings, and desires with the other person. For this condition to be met a safe place to share must be created. By “place” I am referring to a place in the relationship where there is an existence of trust; where these ideas can be shard without ridicule and with the knowledge that these thoughts, feelings, and desires will not be shared with other people by the person who is being confided in.
Self-awareness is paramount in building this healthy love relationship. Being able to say to another person that I am afraid, that I have hurt people, that I don’t blame you if you leave me because I want you to be happy, is a very, very difficult thing to do; Seeing the happiness that comes to other people while they do what they enjoy doing is part of being empathetic. To me, this is caring about the other person and valuing the other person’s happiness. Intimacy comes from sharing with the other person what we are afraid to share because it is only through taking that risk that the other person can prove their trustworthiness. Again, it must happen both ways.
I have been reading and re-reading this over and over for the past few days. It makes so much sense to me. It was something I haven't fully understood at it's deepest levels...however, I am learning, I am growing, and I am applying these principles in my life.I agree with the part at the end about how "intimacy comes from sharing with the other person what we are afraid to share because it is only through taking that risk that the other person can prove their trustworthiness." Taking a risk to share hard things is very, very difficult to do...and sometimes the sharing part doesn't always come out the way I think it should have and it hurts...but at least I tried. Thank you for sharing.
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