Tim Minchin - If I Didn't Have You

I was browsing the Internet and I discovered this video. I liked it a lot because of the healthy description of love that he describes.

Like most of my favorite comedy, it's funny because it's observational. Like Bill Cosby's observation of the life in his family or Robin Williams hilarious descriptions of people that he has encountered, Tim Minchen describes a healthy loving relationship.

Pop music is abundant with examples of unhealthy relationships. Many describe dependant-I can't live without you-feelings of emotion.

Take a listen and think. I learned again, that some of my thinking was wrong.

Warning: His other videos contain explicit lyrics.

The Parable of the fisherman.

So, as I have already admitted I have been wrong. When I was younger, in my late 20's, I had tremendous desires to earn a large income, live in a beautifully nice house, and drive a Mercedes sports car.

Now, well, I was wrong. That's not what I wanted.

Here's a parable to illustrate the process that I went through.

An investment banker was at the pier of a coastal Greek village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna.

The banker complimented the fisherman on the quality of the fish and asked, “How long does it take to catch them?”

The fisherman replied, “Only a little while.”

The banker then asked why didn’t he stay out longer and catch more fish. The fisherman answered that he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs.

The banker then asked,”But what do you do with the rest of your time?”

The fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take a siesta with my beautiful wife Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play cards with my friends…I have a full and busy life.”

The banker scoffed. “I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing, and then with the proceeds you could buy a bigger boat. Later on you could then buy several more boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, and eventually open your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would then need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Athens, then London, and eventually New York, where you will run your expanding enterprise.”

The Greek fisherman asked, “But how long will this all take?”

The banker replied, “15 to 25 years.”

“But what then?”

The banker laughed and said, “That’s the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich … you would make millions.”

“Millions,” the fisherman said. ”Alright, then what?”

The banker said, “Well, then you would retire … move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take a siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play cards with your friends.”

There are a lot of meanings of the word "love".

There are probably as many meanings of the phrase “I love you” as there are people on the planet, but from what I have read and thought about, I believe there are some common characteristics that are present in a healthy loving relationship.  There are also some common characteristics that exist in unhealthy “love” relationships.

People say I love my job, I love my sister, I love my boyfriend, I love my car, I love my dog, I love fishing, but certainly we are not describing the same feeling for each of those things. Then there are feelings described as love by those that stalk, kidnap, molest and rape. There are people that control, manipulate and drain other people and describe their feelings as love.

Another condition mistakenly thought of as “love” is co-dependency. Co-dependency is unhealthy love and a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one's relationships and quality of life. It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. (Wikipedia)

As I have scoured the internet and read various authors, mostly psychologists, I have found within myself, the way that I feel when I describe a healthy love relationship. It includes the type of feelings that some refer to as Romantic Love; I refer to it as a healthy love relationship. That is what this article is about. This type of love is sustainable, it feels good, and builds the strongest human bonds. (According to me).

There are three elements that must be included to share and experience this feeling that I describe as a healthy love. First, is the need to be cared for and be with the other person; second, is valuing the other person’s happiness as much as your own; and third, is sharing private thoughts, feelings, and desires with the other person. These feelings must be shared by each person. They absolutely must.

Did I mention that both people MUST feel this way about the other person? I don’t want to leave that part out.  It takes two people, whether the relationship is boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife or other close intimate healthy loving relationship.  To have a close loving relationship both people must feel this way about the other. It only takes one person NOT to have this type of relationship. If one of the people does not care for or want to be with the other person, or does not value the other persons happiness and needs as much as their own, or if either person does not share private thoughts, feelings and desires with the other person this type of “loving” relationship does not exist.

The first condition that must exist in a healthy love relationship, is the need to be cared for and be with the other person; This feeling of needing to be cared for and to be with the other person is not the same feeling as does exist in a co-dependent relationship. In a co-dependent relationship this need is excessive and results in the self-sacrificing of oneself. This self-sacrificing cannot exist in a healthy relationship because it directly contradicts and does not allow for the second condition of valuing the other person’s happiness as much as your own. Caring for the other person and wanting to be with them grows from a deep appreciation of the other person. This caring about the other person either exists, or it doesn’t. It cannot be purchased, forced or coerced.

Valuing the other person’s happiness as much as your own is a very critical and strong component of a healthy love relationship. It can also be a very difficult ingredient to acquire because it requires a level of awareness both of oneself and the perception of the needs of the other person. An example of this element of a loving relationship would be the recognition it would take for a physically abusive spouse to tell his wife that if he ever loses control again, that she is to take the kids and leave him. Another example would be a father who finds happiness from the joy of his children. The happier they are, they more happiness he feels. This element of a healthy love relationship must be felt by both people. If only person A feels this way, it can lead to abuse as person B can become selfish and can take advantage of person A for personal gain.

Third is the sharing of private thoughts, feelings, and desires with the other person. For this condition to be met a safe place to share must be created. By “place” I am referring to a place in the relationship where there is an existence of trust; where these ideas can be shard without ridicule and with the knowledge that these thoughts, feelings, and desires will not be shared with other people by the person who is being confided in.

Self-awareness is paramount in building this healthy love relationship. Being able to say to another person that I am afraid, that I have hurt people, that I don’t blame you if you leave me because I want you to be happy, is a very, very difficult thing to do; Seeing the happiness that comes to other people while they do what they enjoy doing  is part of being empathetic. To me, this is caring about the other person and valuing the other person’s happiness. Intimacy comes from sharing with the other person what we are afraid to share because it is only through taking that risk that the other person can prove their trustworthiness. Again, it must happen both ways.

Not everything that shines is gold...

Thinking of the first thing that I wanted to write in my new blog, I realized that not everything is how I see it. That many, many times I have thought I was right. In fact I was sure I was right. No question. I was right. Then I realized, that no, actually I'm wrong. (and I don't like being wrong.)

I am writing this blog to express my ideas, and my thoughts on a variety of subjects. Things that I have learned about the rules of life, and of my observations along the way.

I may be wrong in the things that I write. Disagree if you'd like. I do have one rule though. If you decide to read or write in my blog, please allow me to change my opinions, and respect my rights to think. I'll respect yours too. Also, may I suggest that you may share this trait too? That you may also be wrong.