Some people are just too nice.

So, I was talking to Jim at work. I asked him what he thought kindness was. His response was that it's when one person does something kind for another person. This set my mind to thinking.

What does it really mean to be kind or nice to other people? Jim related how his brother hired him to be an electrician decades ago. At the time he was very grateful that his brother gave him a job. He considered it to be very nice of his brother. Now, after having been unemployed and needing to find another occupation at 50 plus years old, he was wondering if what his brother had done, wasn't such a kindness after all. He found himself without the skills needed to interview for a job and without the knowledge needed to find one.

 As I have reflected back on my life I remember being criticized by the regional manager for being “too nice”. I disagreed with her at the time because I felt that my style of management was very effective and that even though I made decisions that she felt were not strong enough, I was very effective at building store teams that worked well together.

We should all strive to do nice things for other people. Being considerate and helpful, when it is needed, to each other is what brings peace and happiness to ours and each other’s lives.

However, it is possible to be too nice.

If you find that you constantly do nice things for others at the expense of yourself, have difficulty saying no and feel taken advantage of in the process, then you may be a people pleaser who is just too nice to others.

Many people pleasers become overly helpful to others in hopes to gain acceptance, love, appreciation, because they feel it's there duty or because they hope that if they are kind to someone then that person may return the favor.

Being a people pleaser can lead to a lot of discontent and resentment within a relationship.

You're being too nice if you find that you constantly take care of others while neglecting yourself and your own tasks. I don't mean this in a selfish way. But if you don't take care of yourself it depletes your energy and deteriorates your mood. You cannot possibly take care of others very well if you are not taking care of yourself. Put being a people pleaser on hold while you make being responsible for yourself a priority. There is truly nothing wrong with saying no because you have your own responsibilities to tend to.

Don't be afraid to say no to something you truly do not wish to do. If you can't be assertive enough at saying no when you are asked to do something that you don't want to do, then you are being a people pleaser who is being too nice. We all have our limitations, so be assertive and learn not to stretch yourself so thin. Find your limits when it comes to helping others and use your assertiveness to keep yourself within those boundaries.

By being so willing to jump in to help and bail others out, whether they ask for it or not, we keep them from learning, developing and growing within their own lives. If you rescue others from their own actions and the consequences of those actions, you're focusing on being way too nice and on being a people pleaser. The problem with rescuing others is that they'll either expect that you will always save them or they will resent you for holding them back from saving themselves. The greatest thing you can do for others is to let them practice assertiveness to overcome their own obstacles, develop their own problem solving skills and reach their own potentials. They'll be better off for it!

When you do decide to do something nice, do it because it's what you want to do with no expectations in return rather than because you feel you have to do it. This is a way to find a balance in your assertiveness to be nice without being too nice and crossing boundaries that end up negatively affecting you. If you practice being nice when you truly want to do so, you'll end up feeling better about the things you do choose to do for others.

Be assertive by not allowing others to talk you into making decisions you don't feel good about.

Some people are users that seek out people pleasers and are only in your life as long as you let your self be too nice so that they can keep getting you to do what only benefits them.

You don't need these type of people in your life and you'll find that you're actually better off without them.

Read more: How to Stop Being Too Nice | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/how_4722291_stop-being-nice.html#ixzz1w0LLkbqf

The tale of the tailor and the boy.

Nasrin. Not a typical American name because it's not. Nasrin was born in "Persia"; otherwise known as Iran. She didn't want to be judged by Americans and she didn't want to be seen by her fellow countrymen, so when any one not from an Arabic state asked her where she was from, she answered "Perisa". When someone from Iran needed a suit tailored she wouldn't come out of the shop to talk to them. She was embarrassed and didn't want people from her country to see her. Nasrin came from a family that was once the rulers of her country. I'm not sure of the connection (because I can't remember what she said) but her husband was related to the sha of Iran, Mohammad Reza Shah Pahlavi. He was overthrown as the ruler of Iran in 1979 by the  Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini. A radical Islamic leader.

After the toppling of the the government her families life's were in serious danger. Her oldest child, a son, was a commander in the Air force. He was executed by the new government troops. The had to sell everything that they had to flee the country. They paid $250,000 in bribes in order to secure their escape.

Once they made it to the United States they had no work and no marketable skills. Nasrin had graduated from college with a degree in accounting but it was of no value in the U.S. Her husband was a career military man and also had no skills to get a job. Neither one of them spoke English.

Nasrin took a job pressing clothes at a dry cleaning shop where she began an unofficial apprenticeship as a tailor. Eventually she learned English and moved with her family from Texas to Utah because they had family here.

She told me that it was very difficult for her to go from having servants that did everything for her, (including dressing her) to having to fend for herself in a foreign country.

When they arrived in Utah, her husband a once powerful Military officer, was now a partner with his cousin at a restaurant in the eatery in the mall. From giving orders, to taking them.

Nasrin and her husband worked hard and very long hours. Their oldest daughter was in college, their youngest daughter was now in High School. A large portion of their income went to send their oldest daughter through school. She was in medical school where she was studying to become an opthomologist. They had spent thousands and thousands of dollars on her education. Money that they didn't put away for their retirement. Money not tucked away for a special vacation.

The money spent on their daughter, eventually on both of their daughters, was not money squandered, nor was the money given freely. Oh, there wasn't interest paid on the money but they did have an interest in the money and their daughters because the money was given with clear expectation that their daughters would take care of their parents when they were no longer able to take care of themselves.

Now, since I am getting closer to the age when I may not be able to take care of myself this arrangement seems like it has it's advantages but that's not where I want to go with this discussion. The observation that I had was that the apparent self-sacrifice of Nasrin and her husband was not so charitable as I had imagined since there were very clear benefits to their generosity. In fact there support of there daughters was self-serving more than self-sacrifice. The tuition and support was made to comfort their fear of their inability to take care of themselves in there old age.

This got me to thinking about self-sacrifice. What appears to be selfless, is actually quite selfish. My wondering mind asked itself, "How often does that happen ?".

I remember the news several years ago about a group of Boy Scouts and their leaders hiking through the narrow slot canyons of Zion National Park. An area known as The Narrows. They had repelled into the canyon with ropes and harnesses with plans to walk the 15 miles or so, out of the narrow canyons. After several hours into their hike, many miles away from the sunny blue skies where they hiked, there was a sudden intense thunderstorm. Rain came down in buckets and pelted the parch desert landscapes of sandstone. Much of the water was routed into the gulley's and washes established millenia ago and maintained over the centuries by wind, sandstone, gravity and storms just like this one.

It didn't take long for thousands of gallons of water to pour into the deep canyons created by the unrecorded lineage of preceding storms. Soon the group of scouts noticed the crystal clear ankle deep water was now to there knees and for their leaders to notice the water now looked the color of chocolate milk. They recognized the signs of an oncoming flash flood.

The leaders scrambled, ushering the group of boys up the sides of the steep and rugged sandstone cliffs that enveloped the canyon. There weren't too many places of refuge since the water had worn most of the soft sandstone away long ago. The leaders knew that they didn't have much time but they also knew that they didn't have to go very much further either. The flood would come quickly and then leave about as hurriedly as it came and they only needed to escape from twelve to fifteen foot deep water. 20 feet up the sides of the cliff was as far as they needed to go.



As the water screamed past, a whirl pool formed in front of the boys and branches from the trees whirled around the huge eddy and slowly disappeared under the chocolate colored water before continuing its rapid journey down the canyon. In an instant soft rock gave way as the water eroded it and one of the boys foot holds was gone. Before anyone could grab him he fell into the water screaming for help. The young man tried in vain to grab the side of the canyon as his leaders looked on. Without hesitation his scoutmaster leaped into the water. He grabbed the young boy and held on with one arm while he grabbed anything else he could with the other. In seconds they were swept under the water by the current and were gone. Their bodies were found later miles down the canyon.

Remembering this event I wonder; Why did the scoutmaster jump into the water? He didn't have a rope, a life jacket, or a prayer in saving the life of the boy, yet he jumped. Why? Was it truly selfless act? Let's change the story a little and examine that question.

What would have happened if that scoutmaster had not jumped in? The young man would still have drowned but now the boys leader would have to face the young mans parents and explain the death of their son. He would then have to live with himself for the rest of his life knowing that he didn't do anything to help the young man in his care. I would argue that the ultimate motivation for the scoutmaster to jump into the water was selfishness. He couldn't live with himself if he hadn't. The guilt was so tremendous that he died trying to avoid it.

This brings me to one last thought, before I go to bed. Change the story again. This time as the boy falls in the whirling water he screams for help. The scoutmaster sees that the boy is in serious trouble and he only has seconds to act. He remembers the rope in his backpack. Before he can get to it, the boy screams for help again, "Jump, jump, please just jump!!" he cries.

The boy in the water is aware that anyone that jumps into the water is doomed to drown. He'd stood on the cliff side and watched the branches become engulfed, yet he hollers for help anyway. Who is being selfish now?

A tale of two suits. Well actually, three.

At work on Wednesday Jim was helping a gent pick out a suit. It was for a special occasion; his wedding. After looking around town at other suit purveyors, he returned to shop at Men's Wearhouse because his past experiences had been very positive. I'm not sure why he wasted his time looking around at other places when he'd had a good experience at TMW before, and trying to guess why will only lead me down a path of mental futility. I'd never know if  my guesses were right or not.

Anyway, the guy spent half an hour to forty-five minutes with Jim carefully trying on a variety of styles in light gray suits. He'd selected a couple of shirts and ties as the possible accessories to take home. He phoned his fiance to let her know that his mission had been accomplished. He'd found a suit that he really liked and had even gone the extra mile and picked out some colorful ties to wear after his wedding. His soon-to-be bride was in the area shopping and wanted to come by and check it out. They waited only a couple of minutes for her to arrive.

When the future Mrs. Customer walked in she greeted her Beau with a moist peck on the cheek. They then went to the the table where he proudly showed her the suit he'd selected. Her reaction was one of disappointment that bordered on disgust as she said "I don't like it."

Beau's response was "Well, I do."

"Well, I don't. Have you looked at Macy's?"

"Yes, I just came from there and I didn't like any of them."

At this point Beau could see the disagreement was not something to be shared and asked Jim for a minute. Jim walked to the back of the store and took a break. After several minutes Beau gave him a nod and Jim approached. The bride had left.

With tears in his eyes Beau explained that his fiance wanted him to go back and look at Macy's with her. With as much enthusiasm as he could fake, he shook Jim's hand and promised that he'd be back.

He didn't come back.

On Friday I was helping a customer, he was getting all suited up for his mission. It was a family affair. His Mom, a younger sister maybe eleven years old and another, older than that sister that was bored out of her mind, with about fourteen years under her belt.

The missionary had selected a couple of striped suits and was in the dressing room putting on the britches. While he was tucked away changing I listened as the youngest sister said "Mom, I like the other suit better." His Mothers response reflected love and appreciation for her son and her response showed that she truly valued her sons happiness. She said to the little one "It doesn't matter what we like. What is important is what Stafford likes." He of course bought the suits he liked and was happy with his choice.

As I juxtaposed the two customers the difference was obvious to me. I realized that in spite of the soon to be brides confession, her fiance did not feel loved; he felt hurt. Hurt enough that he was crying in public. Unfortunately unless his girlfriend can wake up and see how she is treating him, the way that she does won't be any different after they walk the isle. In fact it will only get worse.

Tim Minchin - If I Didn't Have You

I was browsing the Internet and I discovered this video. I liked it a lot because of the healthy description of love that he describes.

Like most of my favorite comedy, it's funny because it's observational. Like Bill Cosby's observation of the life in his family or Robin Williams hilarious descriptions of people that he has encountered, Tim Minchen describes a healthy loving relationship.

Pop music is abundant with examples of unhealthy relationships. Many describe dependant-I can't live without you-feelings of emotion.

Take a listen and think. I learned again, that some of my thinking was wrong.

Warning: His other videos contain explicit lyrics.

The Parable of the fisherman.

So, as I have already admitted I have been wrong. When I was younger, in my late 20's, I had tremendous desires to earn a large income, live in a beautifully nice house, and drive a Mercedes sports car.

Now, well, I was wrong. That's not what I wanted.

Here's a parable to illustrate the process that I went through.

An investment banker was at the pier of a coastal Greek village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna.

The banker complimented the fisherman on the quality of the fish and asked, “How long does it take to catch them?”

The fisherman replied, “Only a little while.”

The banker then asked why didn’t he stay out longer and catch more fish. The fisherman answered that he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs.

The banker then asked,”But what do you do with the rest of your time?”

The fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take a siesta with my beautiful wife Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play cards with my friends…I have a full and busy life.”

The banker scoffed. “I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing, and then with the proceeds you could buy a bigger boat. Later on you could then buy several more boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, and eventually open your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would then need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Athens, then London, and eventually New York, where you will run your expanding enterprise.”

The Greek fisherman asked, “But how long will this all take?”

The banker replied, “15 to 25 years.”

“But what then?”

The banker laughed and said, “That’s the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich … you would make millions.”

“Millions,” the fisherman said. ”Alright, then what?”

The banker said, “Well, then you would retire … move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take a siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play cards with your friends.”

There are a lot of meanings of the word "love".

There are probably as many meanings of the phrase “I love you” as there are people on the planet, but from what I have read and thought about, I believe there are some common characteristics that are present in a healthy loving relationship.  There are also some common characteristics that exist in unhealthy “love” relationships.

People say I love my job, I love my sister, I love my boyfriend, I love my car, I love my dog, I love fishing, but certainly we are not describing the same feeling for each of those things. Then there are feelings described as love by those that stalk, kidnap, molest and rape. There are people that control, manipulate and drain other people and describe their feelings as love.

Another condition mistakenly thought of as “love” is co-dependency. Co-dependency is unhealthy love and a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one's relationships and quality of life. It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. (Wikipedia)

As I have scoured the internet and read various authors, mostly psychologists, I have found within myself, the way that I feel when I describe a healthy love relationship. It includes the type of feelings that some refer to as Romantic Love; I refer to it as a healthy love relationship. That is what this article is about. This type of love is sustainable, it feels good, and builds the strongest human bonds. (According to me).

There are three elements that must be included to share and experience this feeling that I describe as a healthy love. First, is the need to be cared for and be with the other person; second, is valuing the other person’s happiness as much as your own; and third, is sharing private thoughts, feelings, and desires with the other person. These feelings must be shared by each person. They absolutely must.

Did I mention that both people MUST feel this way about the other person? I don’t want to leave that part out.  It takes two people, whether the relationship is boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife or other close intimate healthy loving relationship.  To have a close loving relationship both people must feel this way about the other. It only takes one person NOT to have this type of relationship. If one of the people does not care for or want to be with the other person, or does not value the other persons happiness and needs as much as their own, or if either person does not share private thoughts, feelings and desires with the other person this type of “loving” relationship does not exist.

The first condition that must exist in a healthy love relationship, is the need to be cared for and be with the other person; This feeling of needing to be cared for and to be with the other person is not the same feeling as does exist in a co-dependent relationship. In a co-dependent relationship this need is excessive and results in the self-sacrificing of oneself. This self-sacrificing cannot exist in a healthy relationship because it directly contradicts and does not allow for the second condition of valuing the other person’s happiness as much as your own. Caring for the other person and wanting to be with them grows from a deep appreciation of the other person. This caring about the other person either exists, or it doesn’t. It cannot be purchased, forced or coerced.

Valuing the other person’s happiness as much as your own is a very critical and strong component of a healthy love relationship. It can also be a very difficult ingredient to acquire because it requires a level of awareness both of oneself and the perception of the needs of the other person. An example of this element of a loving relationship would be the recognition it would take for a physically abusive spouse to tell his wife that if he ever loses control again, that she is to take the kids and leave him. Another example would be a father who finds happiness from the joy of his children. The happier they are, they more happiness he feels. This element of a healthy love relationship must be felt by both people. If only person A feels this way, it can lead to abuse as person B can become selfish and can take advantage of person A for personal gain.

Third is the sharing of private thoughts, feelings, and desires with the other person. For this condition to be met a safe place to share must be created. By “place” I am referring to a place in the relationship where there is an existence of trust; where these ideas can be shard without ridicule and with the knowledge that these thoughts, feelings, and desires will not be shared with other people by the person who is being confided in.

Self-awareness is paramount in building this healthy love relationship. Being able to say to another person that I am afraid, that I have hurt people, that I don’t blame you if you leave me because I want you to be happy, is a very, very difficult thing to do; Seeing the happiness that comes to other people while they do what they enjoy doing  is part of being empathetic. To me, this is caring about the other person and valuing the other person’s happiness. Intimacy comes from sharing with the other person what we are afraid to share because it is only through taking that risk that the other person can prove their trustworthiness. Again, it must happen both ways.

Not everything that shines is gold...

Thinking of the first thing that I wanted to write in my new blog, I realized that not everything is how I see it. That many, many times I have thought I was right. In fact I was sure I was right. No question. I was right. Then I realized, that no, actually I'm wrong. (and I don't like being wrong.)

I am writing this blog to express my ideas, and my thoughts on a variety of subjects. Things that I have learned about the rules of life, and of my observations along the way.

I may be wrong in the things that I write. Disagree if you'd like. I do have one rule though. If you decide to read or write in my blog, please allow me to change my opinions, and respect my rights to think. I'll respect yours too. Also, may I suggest that you may share this trait too? That you may also be wrong.